I like a good list. I like a good alphabet book. I like to gripe about weird things that happen when you’re a mommy. Hence:
The ABCs of the Unexpected!
(In other words, a list of stuff I had no idea I was in for when I had kids. And I thought I was prepared! Ha!)
Applesauce. Tremendous quanities of multi-flavored applesauce. In ever-more-finely-engineered containers. That I still can’t open.
Beach sand in bare bottoms.
Color Coding the Caca.
Disney on Ice, Disney Junior on Ice, Disney Live on Stage, you get the idea…
Fresh Beat Band.
Glitter. Glittery glittery glitter in every nook and cranny of my home.
Hating Hot dogs. What kid hates hot dogs? What am I supposed to feed them at the zoo?
Intense interest in Insects.
Kids Bop. (Sob. What did I do to deserve Kids Bop?)
Licking things not made to be licked. (All the door handles at the YMCA for example.)
Masturbation. (theirs, not mine)
Noodles for every meal. No napping (never). Nasal discharge.
Overactive bladder (mine, not theirs)
Pizza in my purse.
Quiet time=stay in your room, Mommy is drinking now
Rashes. Really red rashes.
Sticky scissors. Super sticky. And no longer sharp.
Time Ins (what was wrong with Time Out?)
Ugg boots. Size 1.
Voluminous vomiting. (Truly, it was the volume that shocked me.)
Waking when Mommy clears her throat on a different floor of the house, but sleeping through mortar practice at the Army base.
X. Freakin’ X! The number of times teachers expect my kids to bring something that starts with X for Show and Tell. And my kids’ insistence that we come up with “something new” this time. Bet no one else brought in a Xebec frigate! *
Yelling. (mine, theirs, whatever, just a lot of it)
Zwieback. Whose idea was that?
Seriously, I could make about 30 different versions of this list. But who’s got time for that? I’ve got to help build a accurate geographic representation of 7 land forms, teach 3 kids to play piano well enough to fool their teacher into thinking I made them practice this week, and clean whatever that goo is under my table. Hope you enjoyed!
*Look it up. I had to.